Liquid Wisdom

THIS MONTH’S TOPIC: HOW TO AVOID A BAR FIGHT

Drinking around the country like I do, I’ve learned the hard way to respect booze and its incredible power to fuck you up—in more ways than you know. See, when it comes to alcohol, everyone is in agreement that you shouldn’t drive while consuming it. There are national campaigns and groups to stop drunk driving, and the cops are out every night making sure you don’t hurt yourself or somebody else. I totally support this. But I will let you in on another dangerous activity you should take great pains to avoid while drinking: talking. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been down at a local watering hole and some drunk guy (let’s call him Me) says something to some jerk (let’s call him Bigger Guy), and the next thing you know, Me is snacking on Bigger Guy’s fist sandwich.

Alcohol gets rid of your inhibitions. Sometimes that’s a good thing, like when a hot girl in a short skirt jumps up on the bar to dance, forgetting that she’s wearing a thong. (Thank you, kamikaze shots!) But sometimes it’s a bad thing, like when you’re drinking whiskey and you think it’s funny to challenge a 300-pound biker to a cock-sucking contest. And sometimes it’s a horrible thing, like when that biker smiles and says, “You first.” Hold on a second, readers, I need to go gargle.

Sorry, where were we? Oh, right, drinking and talking. Sometimes the problem is not what you say but how you say it. For example, “Nice day” can sound a lot like “Hit me with a pool cue” when people are swigging bourbon. And often, when a lady asks where the bathroom is, it can sound an awful lot like “Make out with me in front of my fiancé.” My advice? Do it. Enjoy it. Then say goodbye to your teeth.

Some of the worst drunken fights happen between friends. You know, the guy you’ve been watching the game with and doing shots with all night. Know this: That guy—your amigo, your buddy, your wingman—is a ticking time bomb. Once the booze kicks in, he turns into a drunken monster. The sauce activates the Ricki Lake Show part of his brain, and he starts screaming at you, saying crazy, sexist, racist stuff. There are many good ways to deal with this, but retorting, “You don’t know what you’re talking about!” is not one of them. And agreeing to take it outside is the worst solution of them all. The next thing you know, you’re both out in the parking lot, throwing wild punches and kicks, trying to remember moves you saw in a Jet Li movie.

So I say, if you want to avoid a night that starts at the bar and ends in the emergency room, you should try to steer clear of a few hot-button topics: politics, religion, sports, the death penalty, gun control and anything about his mother. You’re probably wondering, Well, what is a safe topic to talk about, then? Here are a few benign subjects that rarely lead to you waking up in a neck brace: the weather, the price of gas, shoes, puppies, Mahatma Gandhi, the space program—you’d need to drink all of the Jäger on the planet to get into a brawl over the Hubble Telescope.

A really good, safe topic is health care for the elderly. This is especially good to say when you’re within earshot of the ladies. They’ll think you’re sensi- tive and informed and, in turn, will want to have sex with you. But the best topic by far to talk about with your drunk buddy is porn. If you’re in a bar, drinking at four in the morning without any dates, watching lots of porn is one thing you both definitely have in common. Good luck, and be safe