The Working Man's Hero

An exclusive interview with Insomniac host Dave Attell

If the key to achieving the American Dream is to make money doing what you love, comedian Dave Attell has struck gold. For those unfamiliar with Dave’s Comedy Central show Insomniac, it’s real simple: First, picture Jules Asner hosting Wild on E!. Now throw a beer gut on her, shave her head and make her an alcoholic. Then, set her loose in all major U.S. cities and substitute beautiful people with real, down-to-earth folk. For example: During his visit to San Francisco, Dave stopped by Stinky’s Peep Show at the Covered Wagon, ate the [pick your own adjective] food at Cable Car Pizza and chatted with gay bikers while they eerily smiled at him (sporting raging boners). Never in the history of television has a show about an old bald guy hanging out at bars been so enjoyable.

Though Dave’s been gradually conquering the stand-up comedy circuit for the last 16 years, most of his larger success has been recent, stemming from both Insomniac and a small but kickass role in Chris Rock’s Pootie Tang. He also spent a year in the early ‘90s working for Saturday Night Live. “I was a writer, I wasn’t a performer,” Dave explained. “I’m ugly.”

So how do you track down a cable television superstar, stand-up genius and sometimes Daily Show correspondent and get him into the “money room” of San Francisco’s Punchline for a no-holds-barred, no-time-limit, one-on-one exclusive interview? You make a phone call and pick a time. Just like that. What’s the big deal? After all, he’s just a working man.

The Wave: How are you feeling?
Dave Attell: What is this, an intervention? I’m okay, I’m really happy that I’m getting crowds right now that dig what I’m doing. But I’m also tired – lots of traveling.

TW: I loved you in Pootie Tang.
DA: I never knew so many people saw Pootie Tang. Everybody always brings it up. Yeah, people either love it or hate it. It’s the Half-Baked of the century.

TW: What was it like writing for Saturday Night Live?
DA: I wasn’t good at it. You have to really love to do that or it has to be your dream, and it wasn’t my dream. When I was ass back, or “fired” as I call it, I wasn’t too heartbroken. I like doing stand-up. Insomniac has helped me get people into the clubs, and I really want to capitalize on that and give people good shows.

TW: How did you pitch Insomniac to Comedy Central?
DA: I went to Comedy Central to pitch a game show and they didn’t want one, but they asked if I had other ideas. I said, I think it’d be cool if we did a show where I do stand-up in a different town and do what comics do – drink a bit, try to hook up, and if we don’t hook up, we just wander around in a strange town. It’s a simple idea. It’s Wild on E! for ugly people. The thing they didn’t get was that I wanted to visit people who work late to show another angle to the late-night scene. But now that’s one of the best parts of the show. They put me together with a producer, Nick McKinney [brother of Kids in the Hall’s Mark McKinney]. He gave Insomniac the shape and look. Otherwise, I was going to do it like COPS, with no music, no nothing.

TW: What’s the next step for Insomniac?
DA: This season we’re probably going to go to Europe a little bit. We’re probably going to do some sort of contest. Here’s something I’ve said before in other interviews, but I really want to get the message out. I’m 37 years old, I’m a little old to be doing this show. It’s really a young man’s sport. If you watch the show and turn the sound down, you’ll see a bald man drinking with young boys. It’s weird.

TW: Has your comedy ever offended anyone?
DA: Yeah. I think I offend everybody a little bit all the time. I’d say I’m annoying. There have been times where people have walked out, wanted to fight me, thrown things at me…

TW: Is it a particular bit that you do?
DA: I don’t think it’s a certain bit, but there are instances where you really have to know what’s going on in that town. If you’re talking about drinking and driving, and someone just died in a drinking and driving accident – you have to really get up on the local news. I’d say the most politically correct crowds are in college. They “ooh” and “ahh” at almost everything.

TW: Give me an example.
DA: In New York, I was talking about shark attacks and there was a girl in the crowd who had lost her leg to a shark. Now, I don’t know what the odds are on that, you’d figure you’re safe with a shark attack in New York City.

TW: Wow. Was she angry?
DA: She just shouted, “Hey, I got attacked by a shark!” And I said, “Well, you’re a winner, you’re alive!” Of course, I took it too far and talked about how hard it is to have sex with someone with one leg. I’ve said some things that have upset midgets. The people who get the most upset are people who don’t really know what my act is about. They either got free passes on the radio or they brought their grandparents in for their 50th anniversary or something.

TW: What’s been the lowest point in your career? I mean, besides interviewing with us.
DA: Here’s the highest and the lowest. The highest was doing Letterman for the first time. Four Letterman appearances later, I went short and could’ve done a joke that they didn’t want me to do, and I should’ve done it. I always feel bad that I should’ve pushed the envelope. That was a comedy-based low point. The other low points are sitting in a hotel thinking, “How long am I going to keep living this life? I’ve got to settle down.” Then I start drinking Jaeger and I don’t give a sh*t. No, I’ve gotten into some horrible drunken situations. The important thing is to be responsible with drinking, and I’m not just talking about driving. If you’re going out to get sh*t-faced, do it in a way where you don’t hurt anybody or have to apologize to anybody. I’ve been in those situations and they still happen.

TW: How do you keep yourself going? Obviously, there are nights when you just don’t feel like being funny.
DA: I’m lucky I don’t have one of those happy guy acts where I have to pull out a guitar and sing songs. But it seems like the worse my life is, the better I am on stage. I have low self-esteem and I kind of get off on the negativity, so that brings me back all the time.

TW: How do you relax?
DA: Sit on the toilet and smoke. I’m really bad at relaxing. I can’t sleep, so I’m usually up until about six or seven in the morning. Then I’ll try to jerk myself to sleep, you know, chronically masturbate myself to sleep. I’ll get these little projects in my head like my website and CD, but I’ll always delay them and say it’s not good enough. I have a lot of mental things going on that keep me occupied. I also try to read a lot.

TW: What do you read?
DA: I was reading The Professor and the Madman, it’s about the creation of the dictionary or thesaurus or something like that. It’s a weird story. I read a lot of biographies. I get off on true stories. I read a ton of magazines and books.

TW: Any favorite magazines?
DA: Well, your magazine is my new favorite. I like the cover, there’s so much f*cking info on it!

TW: Yeah, that’s one of our problems, we’re so f*cking awesome that there’s so much to put on the cover.
DA: See, I could never do this. I’d say, yeah, I want to do a magazine, but then I’d get sidetracked with something else. “Oh look, there’s a special on the History Channel.”

TW: Has your life changed since you started hosting Insomniac?
DA: Not really. I go to the same bars I went to before. Bartenders are the people I really have secret crushes on. There are bartenders all over the country that I f*cking love because they’re interesting and fun and let me drink for free. It’s a weird relationship I have with them. And when they move to another bar, I’ll go with them. I’m a groupie.

The problem is that people see me drinking all the time, so when they see me drinking and it’s not part of the show, they think it’s part of the show and they’ll buy me shots. That’s cool, but I can’t drink every shot in the world and I feel like I’m disappointing them. Like last night, I think I was drunk at the Pinecrest just getting a burger so I wouldn’t throw up, and there was a guy there who was like, “Hey man!” And I said, “Hey, what’s up!” And I think he wanted me to entertain him, and it’s like, “Man, I’m about to sh*t my pants, I’ve got to get home, sorry.” I’m not used to people knowing me and coming up to me.

TW: Have you ever done drugs with the people you meet in alleys on Insomniac ?
DA: I’m an alcoholic, I don’t do drugs, but I feel like I should do LSD at one point. Everyone who’s done it is always telling me it’s expanded their minds. I get too paranoid. One time I did drugs and I hid my wallet on myself.

TW: What were you on?
DA: I don’t remember. But I hid my own wallet on myself, then I wandered around, thinking, “Where was I? Where would I hide my wallet on myself?” I think if you drink enough, you can capture almost any drug experience.

TW: To which person, alive or dead, do you most closely relate?
DA: I’d say my dad. My dad was a really cool bullsh*t artist in a way. He wasn’t really educated but he worked for big corporations and owned his own business at one point, even though he went bankrupt. But I really liked his attitude. He’s definitely a guy who deserved more than what he got, but he did the best with what he had. I, of course, am a f*cking whiny bitch.

TW: What did your dad do?
DA: He ran a porn ring. No, he did retail, stuff like that.

TW: Are you satisfied?
DA: Yeah, I’ve done pretty much everything I wanted to do in comedy except an HBO special. I’d like to do an hour-long special, I’ve done a half-hour. I’m starting to make some good money. Of course, I’d like to be funnier. That’s always the goal. Other than that, I’m pretty happy. My life, of course, I’ve got to f*cking work on. Drinking, smoking, hanging out late – got to work on that. I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night just to have a cigarette, that’s pretty bad.

TW: If you weren’t doing comedy, what would you be doing?
DA: I do have this dream of being a locksmith. That’s a really cool job. You work alone, you set your own hours and you’re kind of above the law – you break into things, but for good, not evil. I’m not good with my hands though.

TW: What’s the last dream you can remember?
DA: I had one last night where I couldn’t breathe. I think I was in high school track. I was just laying on the grass not breathing, and I think some coach or some other father-type figure was like, “Get up, get up!” It wasn’t a sexual dream or anything.

TW: Any sexual dreams lately, then?
DA: Not really. I can’t have some of these dreams, cause I’m old. When I watch MTV, most of these girls like Britney Spears are kind of young. P!nk is hot. She looks like she’s done time. I like her.

TW: There was a rumor that she was hooking up with Steven Tyler.
DA: Get out.

TW: That’s the rumor.
DA: He’s like 60, right?

TW: Something like that. See? There’s hope.

DA: Wow, this is better than therapy.