Dave Attell

Who was your childhood hero?

I guess first my dad and then Magnum P.I. He was a Navy SEAL, a private investigator. He didn’t pay rent, he drove a Ferrari and he had a black friend with a helicopter. He lived in Hawaii and wore a Hawaiian shirt, and nobody thought he was queer. And he lived with an old English guy, who also was not gay. I think he did it all.

What is your most treasured female body part?

It’s really attractive to women if you say that you’re into their feet. But if you ask them to sit on your foot, then all of a sudden, “That’s weird!” Most women won’t do that.

What qualities do you dislike in a woman?

I guess fucking my friends. And health-nut yoga-types. That’s a turnoff, just because I’m incredibly unhealthy. I like women who like to drink and smoke and party. I like a girl who knows what she wants and can get in the car and go for it. And if we get a flat, she can change the tire. I’m a big feminist.

Your drink of choice?

I like Budweiser, Jameson’s shots or Jägermeister. Those are bad drinks. I mean, that’s not casual drinking. That’s power drinking. There’s something about Bud that I associate with manly work. Like you were just working in a steel mill and/or driving a race car, and then you relax with a Bud. I guess the commercials work. Drinking Bud makes me feel more manly.

What are the perils of inebriation?

There are so many. Drinking and driving, drinking and talking, drinking and trying to go to the bathroom. I’ve gotten into a lot of fights because of things I’ve said while hammered—I’ve had to get stitches, had a tooth knocked out. But I have friends who bite people when they get drunk, so it could be worse. I used to get in fights all the time on my show, but I’ve tried to stop that. I don’t want to show the audience that alcohol is bad.

What scares you?

I guess my biggest fear would be being attacked by a shark as I’m getting struck by lightning right after fucking a leprechaun—as I’m holding a winning lotto ticket. That would suck.

Have you ever been sad?

I think the saddest story you can ever have is: You go out drinking with the hopes of meeting a girl and you wake up in your own bed with the half-eaten remnants of a McDonald’s Happy Meal next to you. That happens to me all the time. You wake up, find that your keys are still in the front door and that you took a piss in your own garbage can. You’re like, “Wow, that was a bad night.” I’m not the whoremaster type. I’d rather masturbate. You never masturbate and think you gave yourself AIDS.

Besides laughter, what gifts have you given?

I believe in giving a woman a vibrator. I met this girl in Montreal one time. She was way out of my league, and she’d just broken up with her boyfriend. So I took her out and bought her her first vibrator. We were fooling around, and it was great. She really enjoyed that vibrator. And it takes a lot of pressure off you, because you might get whiskey dick or you might prematurely ejaculate. Then you have no backup. Then you just have to talk. Without the vibrator, the night can end quickly.

Do you have an affinity for board games?

Jenga is a party game. When you see the commercial for it, you assume it’s a coke party. Are they going to do drugs? Oh, no, they’re playing Jenga. Is this a swingers party? Oh, no, it’s Jenga.

Where do you do your best thinking?

Sitting on the toilet. I sit there and get into my own little fantasy world. I sit there for hours and hours until I can’t feel my legs or walk. I’ll fantasize that I can fly an airplane or I’m in Thailand. Stuff like that.